How to Paint Your Ugly Storefront

Let's say you have an ugly storefront. It's not your fault that it's ugly, but there's no denying that it's repulsive and that you need to do something about it. The first thing you need to do is to buy some paint and primer at your local paint store. It will cost you about $70, but it will be worth it to have a storefront that presents a unified appearance that passersby may find pleasing to the eye. This kind of chore isn't anything you're looking forward to, but it's the kind of thing you're going to do because it's responsible.

Next you will need to find some appropriate paint clothes. You may fancy yourself to be the kind of painter who never spills a drop, but paint clothes are a good idea nonetheless. You know that the more you like the shirt you're wearing, the larger the splotch you're sure to ruin it with. Dress appropriately and save yourself the heartbreak. You dress appropriately because you are, unarguably, responsible. Here's a model in traditional painter's wear.

Once you're dressed and ready to go, make sure you have the following supplies: paint brush, paint roller and tray, drop cloth, ladder, stir stick, can opener, rags, and a hammer. Line them up neatly in a row to make sure you remembered everything. Did you remember sunscreen? It's what responsible people wear.

You'll want to start with a primer that will cover old stains and give the paint a more lustrous, even appearance. Make sure your primer is correctly formulated to match your topcoat. You may want special UV-resistant primer if you're painting surfaces that catch a lot of sun. Apply several thin coats for best results. Breaking an ankle or a neck by falling off a ladder is something irresponsible people do, so if you're painting in hard-to-reach places, get plenty of help. 

Okay, great job! Your primer coat is applied! Stand back and admire your handiwork.

Much better! Now, you're going to let that dry for at least twenty-four hours, and while that happens, make sure to clean up your mess. If you plan to use the same paint tray and roller for the paint, clean everything thoroughly to avoid having dried chips of primer contaminate your paint. Professional painters call these chips "boogers."

Alright, now that you've let your primer dry for 24 hours, you are ready to apply your first coat of exterior paint. Remember to lay it on and smooth it off. While you're rolling vertically, it's okay to leave roller marks. After you've coated an area with vertical strokes, go back over the same area making horizontal strokes without loading the roller with paint. This will make for a very smooth, even coat. Lots and lots of repetition. Think: smooth, smooth, smooth.

Again, scrub every last bit of paint from your tray and roller, and save your roller sleeve in an airtight container overnight, and then apply the final coat of paint. Go slow and be careful. Yes, there are other things you'd rather be doing, but sometimes it's best to buckle down and do your chores. That's the only way you can get amazing results like a paint job you can really brag about:

Well, actually, it looks like you haven't painted anything but instead wasted a lot of valuable time riding your bike around. This is no good. No good at all. When you die, people will think of you and only remember your ugly storefront. I hope you're happy. 

Well, you're really in deep trouble, and we'd really like to stick around to see that you face the consequences, but see, there's this group ride starting here in about thirty minutes, and we really have to get going, so you just sit right there and think on what you've done. Unless you want to come with us. You should. Come with us.