Coverage of the 2014 National Cyclocross Championships

I, like many of you, traveled to Crunchy Country this weekend past to watch the National Cyclocross Championship races. What happened was: I took the above picture and then my camera died. What that means: you'll have to imagine everything in your own head, just like you did in the 1930's. It also means: I can report whatever I want and you have to believe me because there's no photographic proof to the contrary.

Let's begin first with the day's attire. I own or have access to at least the following costumes, but probably more: Batman, velociraptor, tiger, hula girl, and Osama Bin Laden. I also own some tightee whitees that I can wear over pretty much anything. Did I wear any of those things? No. In fact, it was one of the few times in my life that I dressed exactly right for the weather. This makes me, I think, something of a failed human being. Anyone who passes up a chance to run around shirtless in the middle of winter in a Batman mask must be dead inside. So what I'm asking is: I've made a New Years' resolution, and is there anyone out there who's willing to bail me out of Texan jail after next year's Nationals?

Here are just a few of the things that I saw, but almost everything that I remember:

-A woman from Drunkcyclist.com passing out Natural Light. I'd never had one of these beers before. Beeradvocate.com rates this beer at 43%. Yawpcyclery.com rates this beer at 70% because it was free. If it had been purchased, maybe 5%. Yawpcyclery.com also had a flask full of Stranahan's in its pocket, so there was some kind of law of averages at work.

-Beer expertly sprayed from a spectator's mouth into a very fine mist alongside the 5280 run-up with the hopes that such a mist would add to the racers' enjoyment, and yet despite the expert technique the beer fog was manufactured repeatedly into the wind and thus condensed not upon the racers but upon the human vaporizer's very own eyelashes (et al). The human vaporizer was, in fact, a compatriot, and we hope that in some way this makes up for the very sensible outfit (see above).

-Flights of stairs ridden up without pause or even, it seemed, effort.

-A vuvuzela planted in a pit toilet in the same way one might plant a flag on the moon.

-Pro cyclists riding the brakes because they were afraid of a corner. This makes the lot of us here at Yawp Cyclery feel deep relief.

-A golden retriever puppy so soft that your hand could pass all the way through him without touching anything but fur.

-Some very very very very very very very good cyclists wadding it up in a creek bed.

-A lot of people from cycling's relatively small community whom I knew, or recognized and wished I knew. 

-A large galvanized tub full of Sierra Nevada Torpedoes, which did subsequent damage to the integrity of many a hull.

Did we see you? If we didn't, we wish we would have. We would've had a good time together.